my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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