I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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