my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
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