No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
