Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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