I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
