I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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