I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
