someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
