she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize
