I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
