4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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