i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
