make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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