Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
