I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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