Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
