she woke up with a sticky ear
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
