Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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