There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
