Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
