I just cut my nipple shaving
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
