Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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