We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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