i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
