Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
