So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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