Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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