so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
