you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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