Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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