i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
