Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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