He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
