Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Randomize
