The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
