I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
