After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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