i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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