I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
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This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
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There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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