i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
