I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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