New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize