I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
