my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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