you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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