she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
