I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
