hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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