Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
