Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
