how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
