my phone needs a breathalizer
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
