Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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