if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
